1r:1
Amsterdam, 30 May 1877
My dear Theo,
Thanks for your letter of today, I have to do a few things and so am writing in haste.
Gave your letter to Uncle Jan, accept his warm regards and he thanks you for writing.
There were some words in your letter that touched me, ‘I should really
like to get away from everything, I’m the cause of everything and only make others sad, I
alone have caused all this misery to myself and others’.1
Those were words that touched me – because that same feeling, exactly the same, nothing
more and nothing less, is also on my conscience.
When I think of the past – when I think of the future, of nearly
insurmountable difficulties, of much and difficult work which I have no passion for, which
I – the evil part of me, that is – would prefer to avoid, when I think of the eyes of so
many that are fixed upon me – who, if I do not succeed, will know the reason why – who
will not utter any ordinary reproaches but who, because they have been tried and are well
versed in what is good and proper and fine gold,2 as it
were, will say it by the expression on their faces: we helped you and have been a light
unto you – we did for you what we could. Did you sincerely desire it? What are our wages
and the fruits of our labours?3 You see, when I think of
all that and of so much else, all manner of things – too many to mention, of all the
troubles and worries which do not become less as one progresses through life, of
suffering, of disappointment, of the danger of failing to a scandalous extent, then that
desire is no stranger to me either – I would really like to get away from everything!
And yet – I go on – but with caution and in the hope that I’ll succeed in
warding off all these things, so that I can somehow answer all the reproaches that
threaten, trusting that in spite of everything that seems to be against me I shall attain
that thing that I desire, and, God willing, shall find grace in the eyes4 of some whom I love, and in the eyes of those who shall come after
me.
It is written, lift up the feeble hands, and the knees which hang
down,5 and when the disciples had toiled all night and
had taken nothing, it was said unto them, Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets
again.6
My head is sometimes numb and is often burning hot, and my thoughts are
confused – how shall I ever get all that difficult and detailed study into it? – I don’t
know – after those turbulent years, becoming accustomed to plain, well-ordered work and
persevering in it isn’t always easy. And yet I go on, if we’re tired, isn’t it because
we’ve already gone a long way, and if it’s true that man’s life on earth is a struggle,
isn’t feeling tired and having a burning head a sign that we have struggled? When one
labours at difficult work and strives for good results, one fights the good fight,7 the reward of which, surely, is already this: that one is
preserved from much that is evil. And God beholds the labour and the sorrow,8 and can help in spite of everything. 1v:2
Faith in God is for me a certainty – not some notion, not an idle belief,
it is so, it is true – there is a God that lives9 – and He
is with our parents, and his eye is also upon us,10 and I am certain that He intends us for something, and that we do
not belong entirely to ourselves, as it were – and that God is none other than Christ of
Whom we read in our Bible, whose word and story are also deep in your heart. If only I had
worked at it sooner with all my might, yes, it would be better for me now – but even now
He will be a mighty help, and it is in His power to make our life bearable, to keep us
from evil,11 to let all things work together for
good,12 to make the end of us peace.13 There is evil in the world and in ourselves, terrible things, and
one doesn’t have to have gone far in life to dread much and to feel the need for
unfaltering hope14 in a life after this one, and to know
that without faith in a God one cannot live – cannot endure. But with that faith one can
long endure. And now, there are words in our Bible that are emphatically repeated in
various places, on various occasions, under various circumstances, Fear
not,15 our Father took that to heart and he says
‘I never despair’,16 let us repeat it after him. Isn’t it
your experience, too, that whenever you wanted to do something bad, you were held back –
that whenever there was something upsetting you and you saw no way out, you came through
it all unharmed? A book by Bunyan tells of a traveller who sees a lion lying at the side
of the road he must traverse – and yet he continues on his way – there is nothing else he
may or can do – and when he arrives at the place he notices that the lion is chained up
and is only there to test the travellers’ courage.17 Thus
it is in life more than once. There is much in store for us, but others have lived, and so
whosoever loves his parents must follow them on life’s path. If you value the love and
esteem of young people, declare your beliefs openly whenever suitable, and admit that you
love Christ and the Bible, doesn’t a son love his Father better for this reason than for
any other? Women and children and the simple often feel and know these things so
deeply,18 and there is hidden in so many a heart a
great and vigorous faith. We, too, are in need of this when we think of much that is in
store for us, He spoke from all His experience of life, and we know how much must have
been going on in the heart whose plenitude made His mouth utter the words ‘in the Heavenly
Kingdom they do not marry, and are not given in marriage’,19 and who said, he who hate not, even his own life also, he cannot be
My disciple.20 Yes, those words of the Lord, surely they
are the words issuing from the mouth of God whereby man shall live – and not by bread
alone21 and the more one seeks in those words, the more
one shall find therein.22 When I was standing next to
Aertsen’s body,23 the calm and seriousness and solemn
stillness of death contrasted so greatly with us who were living, that everyone felt what
his daughter24 said in her simplicity: he is delivered
from the burden of life which we must still bear. And yet we are so attached to that old
life because there is cheerfulness to counter despondency, and our heart and our soul are
gladdened, just as the lark who cannot help singing in the morning, even if our soul is
sometimes cast down within us and is disquieted in us.25
And the memory of everything we have loved remains and returns in the evening of our
life.26
It is not dead, but sleepeth27 and
it is good to collect a great store of it. Accept a handshake in thought, and I wish you
the very best, and write again soon to
Your most loving brother
Vincent