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456 To Theo van Gogh. Nuenen, on or about Tuesday, 16 September 1884.

metadata
No. 456 (Brieven 1990 458, Complete Letters 375)
From: Vincent van Gogh
To: Theo van Gogh
Date: Nuenen, on or about Tuesday, 16 September 1884

Source status
Original manuscript

Location
Amsterdam, Van Gogh Museum, inv. no. b409 V/1962

Date
Van Gogh says that he put off confirming receipt of the money for September for some time (ll. 1-3). He also describes the incident with Margot Begemann which, going by a letter from Mr van Gogh to Theo, must have happened around the middle of September. On 2 October, Mr van Gogh wrote that there had been ‘difficult days’ as a result of Vincent’s proposal of marriage, that Margot had gone to Utrecht, and that Vincent and Margot still corresponded ‘constantly’ (see n. 6). This suggests that some weeks have passed. Van Gogh himself writes that ‘everything’s gone fairly well with her these first few days’ (ll. 93-94), which indicates that he was writing the letter only a few days after Margot’s suicide attempt. In letter 458, which was most probably written on Sunday, 21 September, he is able to report that he has already been to Utrecht to see her. On the basis of the above details, we have dated the letter on or about Tuesday, 16 September 1884.

original text
 1r:1
Waarde Theo –
Het is volkomen teregt dat gij vraagt waarom ik u nog niet antwoordde. Ik heb wel degelijk uw brief ontvangen met ingesl. fr. 150.–1 Ik begon een schrijven aan U om U er vooral voor te bedanken dat gij mijn brief2 scheent begrepen te hebben en om U dan te zeggen dat ik slechts reken op frs 100 doch het eigentlijk er moeielijk van doen kan zoolang ’t niet vlot. doch niettemin, als het frs 150 is, is er frs 50 buitenkans bij in zooverre dat onze allereerste afspraak vóór s’Hage slechts frs 100 was, en in geval we maar half goede vrienden zijn zou ik niet meer willen aannemen.3
Ik kon echter dien brief niet afkrijgen en sedert heb ik U willen schrijven maar ik heb er geen woorden voor kunnen vinden.– Er is iets gebeurd Theo, waar de meeste lui hier niets van weten of vermoeden – noch ook ooit mogen weten, dus zwijg gij dit als ’t graf – maar dat verschrikkelijk is. Om U alles te zeggen zou ik wel een boek moeten schrijven – ik kan dat niet – Mej. Begemann heeft vergif ingenomen4 – in een oogenblik van wanhoop toen zij tot hare familie gesproken had en men kwaad sprak van haar en mij, en zij raakte zóó van streek dat zij in een oogenblik, mijns inziens van besliste mania, het deed. Theo ik had al eens een dokter geraadpleegd over zekere verschijnselen in haar.– ik had 3 dagen te voren haar broeder5 onder 4 oogen gewaarschuwd dat ik vreesde zij zenuwzinkingkoorts zou krijgen en dat ik tot mijn  1v:2 leedwezen moest betuigen ik geloofde de familie B. al bijzonder onvoorzigtig handelde door zoo tot haar te spreken als zij deden.
Nu, dit hielp niets, in zooverre niet dat de lui mij twee jaar uitsteldena en ik hier meest beslist niet in wou treden daar ik zeide, als er hier van trouwen kwestie zou zijn het zeer spoedig moest zijn of niet.–6
Nu Theo, gij hebt Mm Bovary gelezen, herinnert gij U de EERSTE Mm Bovary, die stierf in een zenuw toeval.–7 Zooiets was het hier doch hier gecompliceerd door innemen van gif. Zij had dikwijls als wij rustig wandelden of zoo tot mij gezegd “ik wou dat ik nu sterven kon” – ik had nooit daarop geattendeerd.–
Op een morgen echter valt zij op den grond. ik dacht nog niets dan aan een beetje zwakte. Maar het werd erger en erger. Krampen, zij verloor haar spraak en mompelde allerlei maar half verstaanbare dingen, zakte in elkaar met allerlei schokken, krampen enz. Het was toch anders dan een zenuwtoeval ofschoon ’t er veel van had en ik kreeg plotseling argwaan en zei – heb jij iets ingenomen soms? zij schreeuwde “Ja”– Nu, toen maakte ik korte wetten,b zij wou ik haar zweeren zou ’t nooit te zeggen tot iemand – ik zeide, best, ik zweer je al wat je wilt maar op  1v:3 conditie dat jij direct dat goedje maar uitbraakt – steek je vinger in je keel tot je braakt en anders roep ik de lui er bij.– Enfin nu begrijpt ge de rest. dat braken ging maar half en ik ging er mee naar haar broer Louis en zeide het tot Louis en liet haar een braakmiddel geven en ik ging direkt naar Eindhoven, naar Dr v.d. Loo.8 Het was strychnine dat zij nam doch de dosis is wat te klein geweest of welligt heeft zij om zich te verdooven chloroform of laudanum er bij genomen, wat juist tegengif tegen strychnine zou wezen. Maar kortom zij heeft toen nog spoedig het tegengif genomen dat v.d. Loo voorschreef. Niemand weet er van dan zij zelf, Louis B., gij, Dr v.d. Loo en ik – en ze is direkt geexpedieerd naar een dokter in Utrecht9 en het heet ze op reis is voor de zaak,10 welke reis juist door haar begonnen zou worden.– Ik geloof dat het waarschijnlijk is zij geheel genezen zal doch er zal mijns inziens nog zeker een heele poos volgen van zenuwlijden – en in welken vorm – serieuser of minder serieus – zich dat openbaren zal is juist nog de kwestie. Maar zij is nu in goede handen.– Doch hoezeer ik terneergeslagen ben door deze gebeurtenis zult gij begrijpen.
 1r:4
Het was zoo’n doodsangst kerel, wij waren alleen in ’t veld toen ik dat hoorde.– Maar gelukkig is althans nu het gif wel uitgewerkt.
Maar wat is dan toch die stand en wat is dan toch die godsdienst die de fatsoenlijke lui er op na houden. o het zijn eenvoudig absurde dingen en die de maatschappij tot een soort gekkenhuis maken, tot een averegts verkeerde wereld.– O dat mysticisme.11
Ge begrijpt dat in deze laatste dagen alles, alles mij door ’t hoofd ging en ik geabsorbeerd was in deze trieste historie.– Nu zij dit geprobeerd heeft en ’t is niet gelukt, krijgt zij denk ik wel zoo’n schrik dat zij ’t niet ligt voor de tweede keer probeeren zal – een mislukte zelfmoord is ’t beste geneesmiddel voor zelfmoord in ’t vervolg.– Maar als ze zenuwzinkingkoorts of hersenontsteking of zoo krijgt dan – – – Doch deze eerste dagen nu is alles vrij goed gegaan met haar – alleen ik vrees er nog wel gevolgen zullen komen.– Theo – kerel – ik ben er zoo van ontdaan.– Gegroet, schrijf mij eens een woordje want ik spreek hier met niemand.

adieu
Vincent

herinnert gij U die eerste Mm Bovary?

translation
 1r:1
My dear Theo,
You’re quite right to ask why I haven’t replied to you yet. I did indeed receive your letter with 150 francs enclosed.1 I began a letter to you, chiefly to thank you because you seemed to have understood my letter,2 and also to tell you that I only count on 100 francs, but actually find it hard to manage on it as long as things don’t progress. But nevertheless, if it’s 150 francs, there’s a 50 francs windfall extra in so far as our very first agreement before The Hague was only 100 francs, and if we’re only half good friends I wouldn’t want to accept more.3
However, I couldn’t finish that letter, and since then I’ve wanted to write to you but I haven’t been able to find the right words. Something has happened, Theo, which most of the people here know or suspect nothing about — nor may ever know, so keep as silent as the grave about it — but which is terrible. To tell you everything I’d have to write a book — I can’t do that. Miss Begemann has taken poison4 — in a moment of despair, when she’d spoken to her family and people spoke ill of her and me, and she became so upset that she did it, in my view, in a moment of definite mania. Theo, I had already consulted a doctor once about certain symptoms she had. 3 days before I’d warned her brother5 in confidence that I was afraid she would have a nervous breakdown, and that to my  1v:2 regret I had to state that I believed that the B. family had acted extremely imprudently by speaking to her as they did.
Well, this didn’t help, to the extent that the people put me off for two years, and I most definitely wouldn’t accept this since I said, if there’s a question of marriage here it would have to be very soon or not at all.6
Well Theo, you’ve read Mme Bovary; do you remember the FIRST Mme Bovary, who died of a nervous fit?7 It was something like that here, but complicated here by taking poison. She had often said to me when we were taking a quiet walk or something, ‘I wish I could die now’ — I’d never paid attention to it.
One morning, though, she fell to the ground. I still only thought it was a little weakness. But it got worse and worse. Cramps, she lost the power of speech and mumbled all sorts of only half-comprehensible things, collapsed with all sorts of convulsions, cramps etc. It was different from a nervous fit although it was very like one, and I was suddenly suspicious and said — have you taken something by any chance? She screamed ‘Yes!’ Well, I acted boldly. She wanted me to swear I’d never tell anyone about it — I said, fine, I’ll swear anything you want, but on  1v:3 condition that you vomit that stuff up straightaway — stick your finger down your throat until you vomit, otherwise I’ll call the others. Anyway, you understand the rest. The vomiting only half worked and I went with her to her brother Louis, and told Louis, and got him to give her an emetic, and I went straight to Eindhoven, to Dr van de Loo.8 It was strychnine that she took, but the dose must have been too small, or she may have taken chloroform or laudanum with it to numb herself, which would actually be an antidote to strychnine. But, in short, she then quickly took the antidote that Van de Loo prescribed. No one knows except her herself, Louis B., you, Dr van de Loo and me — and she was rushed straight to a doctor in Utrecht,9 and it’s been put about that she’s on a trip for the firm,10 which she was about to embark on anyway. I believe it’s probable that she’ll make a full recovery, but in my view there will certainly be a long period of nervous trouble, and in what form this will manifest itself — more serious or less serious – is very much the question. But she’s in good hands now. Still, you’ll understand how depressed I am because of this event.  1r:4
It was such a dreadful fright, old chap; we were alone in the field when I heard that. But fortunately at least the poison has worn off now.
But what sort of a position is it, then, and what sort of a religion is it that these respectable people subscribe to? Oh, they’re simply absurd things and they make society into a sort of madhouse, into an upside-down, wrong world. Oh, that mysticism.11
You understand that in these last few days everything, everything passed through my mind, and I was absorbed in this sad story. Now she’s tried this and it has not succeeded, I think she’s had such a shock that she won’t lightly try for the second time — a failed suicide is the best remedy for suicide in the future. But if she has a nervous breakdown or brain fever or something, then — — — Still, everything’s gone fairly well with her these first few days — only I fear there’ll be repercussions. Theo — old chap — I’m so upset by it. Regards, do drop me a line, because I’m speaking to no one here.

Adieu,
Vincent

Do you remember that first Mme Bovary?
notes
1. Theo’s remittance of 150 francs must have been the allowance for September.
2. During Theo’s visit the brothers had fallen out about Vincent’s behaviour: Vincent apparently lashed out ‘furiously’ at his brother one evening (see letter 458).
The fact that this was an eventful time, and that there were other things going on too, emerges in a letter Mr van Gogh wrote Theo on 22 August 1884. He had a feeling that there was something wrong, but didn’t know the details of it: ‘[Vincent] is overwrought, whether it is related to other things – I should almost think it is’ (FR b2256; quoted at greater length in the notes to letter 455, n. 3).
3. Op 2 April 1881 Vincent wrote to Theo: ‘I heard from Pa that you’ve already been sending me money without my knowing it ... in this way I’m learning a handicraft, and although I’ll certainly not grow rich by it, at least I’ll earn the 100 francs a month necessary to support myself once I’m surer of myself as a draughtsman and find steady work’ (letter 164).
4. Margot Begemann, who lived next door to the Van Goghs. Ill. 2124 . Mrs van Gogh ran a sewing class at home. When she was recovering from her broken leg, Margot took it over for her; that was in July 1884 (FR b2255). It was while his mother was laid up that the relationship between Margot and Vincent developed, as he himself says in letter 469. The suicide attempt must have happened a few days before Van Gogh wrote this letter.
5. Margot’s brother Jacobus Lodewijk (Louis) Begemann. He had a linen mill at no. 65 Berg, in other words close to the Van Goghs’ house.
a. Means: ‘mij heenzonden om het aanzoek twee jaar later opnieuw te doen’ (sent me away and told me to propose again in two years’ time).
6. Mr van Gogh did not tell Theo what he knew about the incident until 2 October 1884: ‘We have had difficult days with Vincent again. Apparently he wanted to arrange a marriage with Margot, who proved not entirely averse, but it came up against insuperable objections, on the part of her family too. After news of the business started to leak out, Margot went to Utrecht, where she still is.
It’s said that the relationship has been broken off, but the friendship will continue. They still correspond constantly’ (FR b2257). The rest of this letter is quoted in the notes to letter 464, n. 1.
7. In Gustave Flaubert’s Madame Bovary. Moeurs de province (1857) the provincial doctor Charles Bovary carries out his mother’s plan that he should marry the 45-year-old widow Heloïse Dubuc for her money. This ‘first’ Madame Bovary died from coughing up blood (see also letter 457) a week after Charles’s parents had demanded that she account for the fact that she had lied about her wealth. See Gustave Flaubert, Oeuvres. La tentation de Saint Antoine. Madame Bovary. Salammbô. Ed. A. Thibaudet and R. Dumesnil. Paris 1951, pp. 342-343.
b. Variant of ‘korte metten maken’.
8. Arnold van de Loo was a physician, surgeon and accoucheur. He set up in practice in Willemstraat in Eindhoven and was the Van Gogh family doctor, see also letter 423.
9. Margot may have stayed with Dr Petrus Johannes Idenburg and his wife Rosine Alexandrine Frederike van der Hegge Spies. They had lived at 238 Hamburgerstraat in Utrecht since 1 August 1883. The schoolboy Aart Begemann, Margot’s nephew, was also registered at the same address (GAU).
10. Margot was a partner in her brother Louis’s linen mill. Letter 469 tells us that when her brother went bankrupt she put her own money into the business. See also Tralbaut 1974, pp. 73-84.
11. In letter 457 there is a suggestion that Margot might be suffering from religious mania. See also letter 464, n. 11.